Patterns: Part One

Have you ever found yourself in a situation and felt a sense of familiarity? I certainly have. But why does that happen? Let me share a personal experience that might shed some light on this.

I used to work as an associate pastor, and one day I found myself in a meeting with my senior pastor and the music director. This music director had a reputation for being grumpy. Before the meeting began, she took the opportunity to criticize my outfit, my appearance, and my choice of a gray cardigan, deeming it unprofessional for the church. It was a simple, plain sweater, nothing fancy. What made matters worse was that my senior pastor witnessed the whole incident. Something inside me snapped. I was furious. "How dare she?" I thought. Without thinking, I confronted her, raising my voice and calling her a bully.

I left the meeting without resolving anything, but an hour later, my senior pastor called me. He wanted to talk. I rushed back to the office, and we found ourselves alone in a room.

He looked at me intensely and said, "I cannot believe what I just witnessed." I replied, matter-of-factly, "I agree. She can't bully me and insult me like that." Surprisingly, he said, "No, you can't talk to her like that. You need to apologize." Confused, I responded, "What are you talking about? She's the one who was bullying me. Why aren't you supporting me?"

In the end, I ended up apologizing (which she reluctantly accepted, using the opportunity to squeeze in a few more insults). Something inside told me this situation felt eerily familiar. I had lost control, and I couldn't understand why. Typically, I didn't pay much attention to my appearance. I often dressed in the dark to avoid disturbing my wife and children while they slept. Yet, something triggered me that day, and it wasn't the first time this had happened. It seemed like a recurring pattern.

When we try to understand our patterns, it's essential to trace them back to their origin. Sometimes, it's challenging to pinpoint exactly when they started, but with careful thought, we can come closer to identifying their roots. In my case, it didn't take long for me to realize that I had a history with bullies.

When I was eight, I visited my father on weekends. He would pick me up and take me to spend time with my stepmom and stepsisters, as he often worked multiple jobs to make ends meet. While I may have resented my stepmom because I associated her presence with my father's absence, that's not the focus of this story.

My stepmom was harsh, angry, and proud. She would proudly talk about her Chicago roots and values, and her accent made her seem even meaner than she probably was. However, her meanness was evident in the way she screamed at her daughters and occasionally resorted to physical violence. I was terrified of her. I did everything I could to avoid her. I was always afraid of saying something that might get me hurt, witnessing my stepsister cry due to her outbursts and physical violence. Combine that with alcoholism, chain smoking, and poverty, and you can imagine the horror show that unfolded at her house every other weekend.
 
I constantly felt small and powerless when I was around her. I felt incapable of protecting myself or anyone else. I tried to talk to my dad about it, but he never seemed to listen. Most of our time together consisted of driving back and forth between her house and mine in his truck, blasting loud music to compensate for the lack of air conditioning. I learned to keep quiet, to keep to myself. I grew up with the belief that no one trusted or believed me. I believed that life was filled with bad people who couldn't be challenged or stood up to. Bullies always won because they were stronger and more influential and anyone could be a bully, especially teachers and classmates. I believed I should simply stay out of their way. Until one day, when I couldn't take it anymore. It became too much to restrain my anger, suppress my frustration, and seek help from people in authority who never took my side or rescued me. Eventually, I reached a breaking point and lost control.

That breaking point occurred one night while watching a movie at her house. We were discussing the characters in the show and which one we identified with the most. The show was called "Just the Two of Us," featuring twin girls—one a tomboy orphan who played sports and the other a wealthy, privileged type. I chose the wealthy character, and upon hearing that, my stepmom chimed in, saying, "That's because your parents raised you to be a spoiled little brat!" That was it. My boiling point had been reached. I looked her in the eyes, a red-haired freckled eight-year-old all 40lbs, and said, "You can't talk to me like that, and you better not lay a hand on me like you do with your kids. If you do, I'm telling my mom, and she'll make sure you go to jail!" She laughed it off, but she didn't harm me physically. That night, I was banished to the couch, sleeping next to the smelly dogs, without a blanket or pillow. Later, my dad, who returned home late from work, accidentally woke me up by placing a blanket over my shivering body. Thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes because as nice as that gesture was, I needed so much more from him. He never fulfilled the role I desperately needed him to play. It felt like no one did even though I believe many tried. I needed someone to stand up for me and tell me that I wasn’t a brat and deserved a life free from fear. But who knows? Perhaps they were scared too.

Looking back, I can see that this experience marked the beginning of a pattern that stuck with me. I learned to suffer in silence, to doubt that others supported me or had my best interests at heart. I constantly questioned whether I deserved better in life, often failing to stand up for myself until my emotions reached a boiling point.

We all have these patterns in our lives. They are part of our “origin story”, shaping whom we become—the good and the bad. I wish I could say I've mastered self-control and no longer lose my temper, and to some extent, I have improved once I became aware of the root causes. But these patterns don't simply disappear once we acknowledge them. They must be consciously managed. They are a part of us, but they shouldn't control us.

Since recognizing these patterns, I have prayed and sought greater growth. With a lot of help I have learned to see my past and my patterns in a positive way. I have had to take God's truth as an anchor in uncertain times, and have learned once again to be vulnerable regardless of fear, and build supportive and strong relationships with those who love me and accept me. I have also got very accustomed to eating crow.

In my next post, I'll delve deeper into this topic.

To uncover your patterns and work towards personal growth, follow these steps:

1. Reflect on your behaviors: Take time to think about situations where you consistently react in a certain way or engage in similar behaviors.

2. Write down your findings: Document your thoughts, emotions, and regular actions. Look for common themes or triggers that lead to boiling over points.

3. Seek input from trusted individuals: Ask close friends or family members who have known you for a long time to provide honest feedback on your behavior. Their insights can be valuable and supportive.

4. Identify boiling over points: Pay attention to situations or events in your daily routine that precede these points of losing control. Understand the patterns and consequences associated with them.

5. Practice mindfulness: Set aside time for meditation or self-reflection. Be present in the moment and aware of yourself. Remember that everyone makes mistakes and has areas for improvement. Forgive yourself for past errors and trust that the willingness to learn and grow is a significant step forward.

Remember, personal growth is a process, and nobody is perfect. We all have behaviors we're working on, and it's natural to have breaking points or moments of embarrassment. Be kind to yourself, learn from your mistakes, and trust that caring enough to learn is a vital part of personal growth.

5-7 minute read

Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of the mind, so that you may discern what is the will of God—what is good and acceptable and perfect." - Romans 12:2

The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance." - Nathanial Branden

"There's something very familiar about all this." - Biff Tannen, Back to the Future Part II